I’ve always wanted an “older sister.” For many, many years… growing up… I was always the oldest. Always the one everyone went to when they wanted help, needed help, or just needed someone to talk to or bounce things off of.
The problem was… it was a very lonely way to live. I was there for them… but who was there for me? They, my brothers and my sister, well… they had me on a pedestal. I didn’t complain… way back then… because I enjoyed being “the ‘go-to’ sibling”… and, I was good at it. With all of my hidden insecurities… it also gave me a way to feel good about myself.
Then one day, I started to change. Little by little I started to “venture out”… and finally gave birth to myself.
The problem, for me anyway, finally came when “they” came to think that I was no longer UP on that pedestal. Why ? Because “they” felt I was no longer the “me” that they needed me to be. I dared to change. I dared to be myself.
The problem grew as “they” found that I had what they thought were my own set of imperfections. Unfortunately, those imperfections did not sit well with them. They decided I “wasn’t the way I was supposed to be.”
It was very lonely up there… on that pedestal. And when the cracks in my “image” widened, and I began to quit trying so hard to be the one they wanted and needed me to be… and moved instead more towards “being myself…” that’s when all hell broke loose.
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Then… there’s this “tough love” thing of theirs. My siblings and their “tough love.” Funny… I never used “that” on them. Wonder where they got it from ?
Some days I feel like I’ve been here forever. Some days I feel like I’m just plain “lost.” In truth… I’m both pretty old… and perhaps pretty young, as well.
Some have told me I’m an “old soul.” Some wonder just how much of a looney I am. I guess it’s all up for grabs… the jury’s still out… and I’m not sure they’ll ever return a verdict.
Speaking about “verdicts”… my problems unfortunately got both better AND worse… when I quit thinking about THEIR verdicts concerning me, and moved more into the world of where I gave more thought about MY verdict about myself.
Yeah… once I started thinking about ME… all hell broke loose.